I didn’t go to class today. Just the thought of leaving my bed was too much. I did have some prepackaged fruit for breakfast and that hasn’t come back up yet, so I guess that’s good. I didn’t have the strength to do my homework. I feel like such a big baby! So I’m away from home for a long period of time for the first time in my life. Why am I freaking out?!? Why can’t I be like any normal person, who maybe gets nervous the first day or so but is at least able to get out of bed? It’s not like anyone has been mean to me. Everyone has been more than amazing. My classmates are friendly, my hostess in the apartment is more than understanding, the sisters here have gone above and beyond to be there for me, and of course I have hundreds of people praying for me! I know that eventually I will get accustomed to everything here, but I have no idea how long that will take. It may take a couple days, it may take a week. But when you’re this depressed and anxious, knowing that it will eventually get better doesn’t help much because you’re living in the here and now. That’s not to say it doesn’t help a little, but it’s pretty miniscule. All I can do right now is cry. And pray and read the Bible. I can hardly concentrate on one thing at a time. I just want this to be over! What I really want is to go back home. But if I did that, how would I explain to the hundreds of people I’ve told that I couldn’t make it in another country? The way I feel is just so illogical to me. I should be able to just tough it out, right? Then why can’t I? I’ve always been able to sort through my problems pretty well. But when it’s psychological, I’m completely helpless.
I’m sorry these posts have been so depressing. I haven’t even taken any pictures yet, and the city is beautiful. I was so excited about going to different places like the Brandburg Gate, the German Jewish Museum, Alexander Platz…and all I can do is sit here and cry. It’s just so frustrating! I can’t believe it’s only Tuesday. It feels like I’ve been here forever. Time does not fly when you’re not having fun.
When I am writing these posts, it’s only when I get a few minutes when my emotions are somewhat bearable. When I’m having a panic attack, there’s no way I could sit down and write.
My thoughts are so jumbled right now. I’ve been trying to drink water, but it’s hard to swallow anything, and crying all the time doesn’t help me to stay hydrated. My lips are so chapped it’s not even funny.
Well, I just got some water and drank a sip. You know why people who suffer from depression sleep all the time? Because it’s so much easier when you’re unconscious. Plus being depressed and anxious takes a lot of energy, and sleep is when the body restores itself. At least that’s my theory. When I was a kid, I used to read a lot to escape. In Middle School I used to read a book a day. The librarians knew me pretty well because I would come in every day to return a book and check out a new one. That’s why I’m such a fast reader today. But whenever I would finish the book, I had to come back to real life, and it always felt worse. I don’t think I could read a book right now, though. My thoughts are just too all over the place.
I would like to go see a doctor and get a prescription for my anxiety. I used to have this medicine that worked like a charm and always made me really drowsy afterward, but I can’t remember what it was called except it started with an “N”. I have student insurance, but I’m not sure what all it covers. I guess I should look it up, but that requires some concentration. I really need someone here to help me, but the sisters are out visiting someone kinda far away this afternoon and I don’t want to bother them. I know they’d probably drop everything and come, but they’ve already done so much for me, and I don’t want to stop them from visiting someone, you know? Besides, I’m doing ok for now. I’m really depressed but I’m not having a panic attack like I was yesterday when I called them. When I visited H’s apartment, we sang some songs, but I mostly had crying spells. I know it would have been much worse if I weren’t with them. But right now I just don’t know what to do. Well, I guess I could contact one of my classmates. I got his number and facebook info because I forsaw that I might not make it to class the next day. I need to get my professor’s email though. I wish I could get my phone to work! I’ve registered my SIM card two times, and I still can’t call anybody.
Well, I guess I’ll try to contact my classmate now. Until later!
Later…I’m a mess again. Only this time I can’t get in contact with anybody. I’m really scared. I’m scared I can’t do this, and I’ll end up going home, and I’ll regret it for the rest of my life, and I’ll never forgive myself…But I’m more scared right now to be here! I can’t take care of myself and that’s what scares me. All I’ve had to eat today is a banana. I’ve tried going to sleep, but I just can’t. Besides, it’s only 6:30 PM over here and I had like 14 hours of sleep last night because I went to bed early and woke up late. I just don’t know what to do. BL (my host family) gave me a pep talk earlier today and encouraged me to get out of the house and just go to a park. So I did, but then I got really dizzy and had to come back home. I’m so scared because I can’t take care of myself! Maybe I should just go over to Hope’s apartment and hang out there until she gets home. But I’m not sure I remember the way!
Hope just called me back! I’m going to leave in about 10 minutes and spend time with her. I feel like such a failure!!!!